Loot Beer

If there is one thing I’m the most proud and ashamed of, it’s my uncanny ability to completely embarrass myself in front of Asian people…

I am, by no means, a racist. I have no ill-will toward Asian people, any people really, but there have been many, many instances where I have made myself look like a complete ass in front of Asians. It is not limited to people who trace their lineage back to Japan, China, Korea, etc… No, my ability stretches to Southeast Asia, India, Pakistan and so forth. Perhaps I am subconsciously trying to make myself look like a complete idiot to the whole world, working from east to west. Perhaps once I have worked my way around the globe, I will finally do something that will leave residents of California absolutely flabbergasted shortly before my death.

It started back when I was a kid of course, when my parents would periodically take my brother and I to a Chinese restaurant. I was not exposed to Asian people, food or culture in my neighborhood, so it was exotic and different and therefore funny to me at 6 years old. I think everyone has done that sort of thing as a kid. The waiter takes your order, leaves the table and you laugh at what he said, how he said it, whatever.

The worst time for me was when my family went to a Pizza Hut and we had a very nice waitress in her early 50’s of Asian descent. She spoke English, but with a distinct and rather stereotypical accent. We ordered our pizza and the waitress asked my mother what kind of dressing she wanted on her “sarrid”.

I should also explain that things that are only slightly funny are amplified in humor simply by the presence of my father and brother, and they have always gotten great joy out of reducing me to a ball on the floor, tears streaming from my eyes, my laughs becoming groans from sore diaphragm muscles.

I got the “sarrid” laughs out of my system after about 10 minutes, when the waitress returned asking if my brother or I wanted more “Loot Beer”. We all waited until she left before erupting again. I was unable to stop laughing and the waitress, not realizing that she was causing it suggested that maybe I was drinking real beer instead of Loot Beer.

As luck would have it, they accidentally burned our pizza that night and had to make a new one. The waitress apologized, asking if any of us would like a sarrid while we waited. I had just taken a sip of my drink and ended up spitting loot beer across the table. Danny Thomas would have been proud. I was outside in a coughing and laughing fit when the pizza finally arrived.

Flash forward about 30 years…

I’m in Sam’s Club with my son Cosmo, who was then about 4 years old. He was in the cart, I was pushing and we had both learned several months earlier that he should not kick his feet suddenly while riding in the cart, because it hurts daddy in a way that makes him need to sit down for a while.

Cosmo, like most 4 year olds in the days since VCR’s were invented, had a habit of latching on to a particular video and watching it over and over for several weeks or months. Cosmo’s movie was The Karate Kid, starring Ralph Macchio. It’s a good movie, and Cosmo would watch it an average of 2 times a day.

So, we were having a good time shopping, joking and so forth. We weren’t in a hurry just hanging out. Something we were talking about made me make a reference to the “Crane Technique” that Daniel does in The Karate Kid.

“What? Crane Technique? What’s that?” Cosmo asked

“You know, from The Karate Kid?”

“No…” Cosmo looked at me as if I was suddenly speaking French.

“Remember? At the end of the movie? Just before Daniel wins the tournament?” I reminded.

“No, I don’t think that is in The Karate Kid.”

“Cosmo, it’s only the biggest part of the movie”

“Maybe I haven’t seen that part.”

“You have, remember? Daniel is in the tournament, fighting that mean kid from his school”

He was now looking at me as if I had a horn growing out of my forehead…

“Coz…” I was determined to make him remember. “The kid kicks Daniel in the leg and he can’t stand on it, remember?”

I looked up and down the aisle, no one was there, so I demonstrated. I stood on one leg, with the other bent in front of me. I raised both of my arms above my head like large wings. I’m sure YOU know what I’m talking about, but here’s a picture from that scene…

 

This is the Crane position. There is no other reason for anyone to ever stand in this position other than in a fighting situation.

 

I got into full Crane Technique position. It’s not a position that can be mistaken for something else. When someone sees someone doing it, they know it is the Crane Technique position from The Karate Kid. It’s not a normal position to stand in, especially not in the aisle of Sam’s Club, and particularly not for a 35 year old man who is obviously not a martial artist. For good measure, I added a kung-fu movie sound, the one that Bruce Lee would make as he was getting ready to strike. You know the one: “AWWWWWwwwww!”

At that exact moment, the man who rolls sushi at our local supermarket walked into the aisle. He was wearing the full, traditional Japanese uniform they made him wear. I’m sure he had been sent to Sam’s Club to pick up some supplies, and he was taking a short cut across the store. And as fate would have it, he came down the very aisle where I was, finding himself standing about 7 feet away from me, in the Crane position, calling him out, mid-“AWWWWWwwwww!”

I must have not looked too threatening as he just smiled and walked past me. He obviously sensed no danger of me suddenly leaping up and kicking him in the forehead.

Suddenly, Cosmo remembered the scene I was talking about, but was too busy laughing his tiny ass off at me as if I had just offered him some sarrid or loot beer. He couldn’t even tell the cashier what he was laughing about. In the car, he was able to gasp out “I can’t wait to tell Mom!” Which he did, before popping The Karate Kid in the VCR again.